One wants individuality, other wants twinness

[infertilenomore]

Hi, I have fraternal boy twins who just turned 3 on March 19th. The younger (by 49 minutes) is very into being an individual and wants to do everything different than his brother. He is very into being called only by his name, not nicknames or baby, or son, or big boy, etc. The older of the two is very into being a twin and wants to do everything the same as his brother. If I let the older one pick out their clothes, he will pick out exact outfits down to their socks. If the younger one picks out their clothes they will be polar opposites (i.e. black and white, blue and red, etc.) The older of the two has been regressing since the birth of our baby (8 months old boy also) to the point of being back in diapers after sucessful potty training and wanting to sit in the baby's car seat, etc. Our pediatrician has suggested that the older of the two may be wanting to cling to the twinness as a comfort measure for security and that this will pass. Does anyone else have advise on this or has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions are welcome.

[Mom of 5]

Our pediatrician has suggested that the older of the two may be wanting to cling to the twinness as a comfort measure for security and that this will pass.That does sound like good advice.

They just turned three? They are still babies themselves yet, and with a new baby in the family, it's only natural for them to be more clingy, whether it's to you or to being a twin.

I would be careful not to refer to them, especially in front of them, as the older twin and the younger twin. Birth order in twins does not have a role if it's not called to attention. 49 minutes does not make one older or younger or wiser or more experienced in the world.

[infertilenomore]

I never refer to them as older or younger, I did so in the post as a way to introduce them without using their names. I am very careful to keep them as individuals and am often correcting family members who "group" them. I am just trying to get advise on how best to help them be individuals and twins. (I guess it would be easier to use their names or initials rather than saying older or younger. ) Thank you for the reply. I am new to this message board and was worried no one would reply.

[my3sweeties]

My twins are like that too. K always wants to match. She wants everything exactly the same, and A always says she doesn't want to be the same. My girls are identical, and A tells me the reason she doesn't want to dress the same is because people always mix her up with her sister. I can see how she wouldn't want that at all. So they compromise and dress identically at home where we don't get them confused. And at school and daycare they dress completely differently.

[Steph211]

Terri had good advice for you. I have b/g twins, so this isn't really a problem for me. I was going to suggest that you alternate days. One day the brother who wants some individuality gets his day (the day they dress differently, do different stuff), the next day the other brother gets to choose. Actually, I think Terri's advice is better. :)

My kids have identical twin girls in their preschool class. Although they dress differently, it's hard to tell them apart. They often arrive at the same time as my kids. It's hard to know how to greet them. I can't tell which is which. Neither can my kids. They'll say, "I played with 'Suzy' at the water table. WEll, maybe it was 'Becky.' I can't tell which is which." I'm sure that must be really annoying to the id twins! Any suggestions? I hate to ask, "Now which one are you?" every morning.

[Mom of 5]

I never refer to them as older or younger, I did so in the post as a way to introduce them without using their names. I am very careful to keep them as individuals and am often correcting family members who "group" them. I am just trying to get advise on how best to help them be individuals and twins. (I guess it would be easier to use their names or initials rather than saying older or younger. ) Thank you for the reply. I am new to this message board and was worried no one would reply.I understand where you're coming from. :aok:

[my3sweeties]

My kids have identical twin girls in their preschool class. Although they dress differently, it's hard to tell them apart. They often arrive at the same time as my kids. It's hard to know how to greet them. I can't tell which is which. Neither can my kids. They'll say, "I played with 'Suzy' at the water table. WEll, maybe it was 'Becky.' I can't tell which is which." I'm sure that must be really annoying to the id twins! Any suggestions? I hate to ask, "Now which one are you?" every morning.

I would just take a wild guess every morning and say "Hi Becky" (pick a name at random.) You will be right half the time, and the other half, you will be corrected. Mine are quick to tell people who is who, and they are not offended by it. We like it better when people make an effort, even when they are wrong, as opposed to just asking which is which.

[Steph211]

Thanks, Terri! We'll give that a try. Better to be right approximately 50% of the time than vague everyday. :)

[Mom of 5]

I would just take a wild guess every morning and say "Hi Becky" (pick a name at random.) You will be right half the time, and the other half, you will be corrected. Mine are quick to tell people who is who, and they are not offended by it. We like it better when people make an effort, even when they are wrong, as opposed to just asking which is which.Thanks for sharing that advice, Terri. It's much better for frat twins to know how to approach and say hello to ID twins than to just be quiet and say nothing.

[my3sweeties]

Thanks for sharing that advice, Terri. It's much better for frat twins to know how to approach and say hello to ID twins than to just be quiet and say nothing.

:nod:

I find I prefer that approach with mine. They seem to as well. We would rather people make an effort.

[infertilenomore]

I have gotten really great advise from everyone. This forum is very cool. I have said this in other posts but it really helps to hear from other parents of multiples because there are things that singleton parents don't experience. Thank you for all the great replies. :shakehands:

[Ma Kettle]

Our boys compromise. One day David picks their clothes and the next Andy picks their clothes. So on David's day him and 'his best friend twin' match and the next day they don't.

On the days they match when we are out and about sometimes they will wear a visible initial so others can know who is who.

They will correct people with a smile who use the wrong name. We've always laughed about it and made it a 'silly thing' rather than 'annoying thing'. We also encourage them to 'help' people get to know them by having them point out differences. For instance if someone looks unsure about what to call Andy he'll pipe up and just say 'I'm Andy, he's David'. After THAT point you are expected to just know :snicker: David will tell people 'I'm David, I have blue pants'.

Then again they also get a kick out of tricking people. It's one of the kickbacks of dealing with people mixing you up... sometimes you can take advantage of it and get even.

Ironically the only one who RARELY mixes them up is my 2 yr old. She always knows who it is.... as long as they are awake.