Teacher note: 4 year old son defiant, etc... what do I do?

[meems1965]

I have 4 yr old twins who I have decided NOT to send to Kindergarten next year because I know they need another year to mature. With that said, in October, their preschool teacher approached me about my son. He is disruptive in class, speaks out, doesnt follow directions. So we had a parent teacher conference which included my husband. We also had a meeting with the Director of the school.

I thought things were OK. I am sure he is not perfect. He is a 4 year old boy and young for his class because a lot of the kids have turned 5 already (my twins turn 5 in July, hence my former quandry about whether to send them to K)

I have met with the director who said she thinks they should do PreK next year but in separate classes. I thought we were all set and things were OK.

So today I go to pick them up and there is a note in his bag. It says for me to call the teacher TONITE after 8pm because we must talk about how my son is "defiant and argumentative."

I am so upset. I dont know what to do. My husband is out of town but that doesnt matter because all of this stuff always falls on me.

I am feeling so deflated. I am just feeling like I am not a good Mom.

My little one who just turned two isnt talking yet and I have him in therapy. I keep wondering if I am doing something wrong. I used to have a career and all I wanted to do was be a Mom. I am thinking - - did I make the wrong decision because I just started taking Wellbutrin because the kids drive me crazy with the fighting and yelling at home. I try so hard to play with them, etc but I do have other things to do. I feel like I cant juggle all of this. I literally started the Wellbutrin yesterday and set off today with a positive "I can do this" feeling, like I am really going to try harder and maybe this medication will help me.

I really feel like I cannot take it.

I am supposed to call this teacher tonight and I just feel like I am going to cry.

Now all these things are going thru my mind, do I send them to a different school next year? Will just having a new teacher help? Do I talk to the director again?

This particular teacher is very granola, very much like a flower child. she is very soft so I know she never yells. I dont think she can handle much that may be perceived as negative in her classroom. She wants things to be peaceful.

I dont know if it is that she is not disciplining him, or is it my problem because I am not doing a good job as parent. But I dont know how to solve it.

He does do things at home like hit his little brother, knock over his sisters dollhouse.

Do i have a problem on my hands? Does he need a therapist too?

I mean, this kid has the biggest smile and can be the biggest cuddler and funniest kid. Kids seem to love him and want to be around him. So I dont understand why he gets defiant like this and argues about what he wants to do versus what the authority figure is telling him to do.

I am just very upset and confused. I know I am rambling. But any advice would help. I really feel like I am going to lose it.

(Meanwhile as I am typing this, my kids are SCREAMING, FIGHTING, ride on toys are zooming around my kitchen and I know I need to get in there.)

[cmtd2jc]

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Please know that this does NOT make you a bad mother. I am reading a book right now called How Not to Argue With Your Kids. It is an older book, I got it from my mom who is a children's counselor. If you are interested in reading it, PM me and I would be happy to send it to you after I am done reading it. Some kids are just tougher than others, it is the way it is supposed to be. It is not easy having one of the more difficult ones, but it is an honor to me to be given the challenge of raising him(mine I mean!). Try to be consistent and DO NOT give up. Just keep telling yourself that it will all be worth it in the end. It would be a great idea to find some support to back you up. If DH refuses to be involved in this, at least find a friend who can encourage you. Good luck, and :knuddel:

[Beck]

If the pre-school teachers's main complaint is that he is "argumentative, and defiant" that is describing probably 75% of all 4 year olds. It is a major developmental stage for most pre-schoolers because they are finally realizing (especially when they get to school and have to follow rules) that the world does not revolve around them, no matter how much they want it to.


I dont know if it is that she is not disciplining him, or is it my problem because I am not doing a good job as parent. But I dont know how to solve it.


Either way- it is everyone's issue, but ultimately the teachers because she should have control over her classroom and it doesn't sound like he is doing anything that is not typical. Unpleasant for her- sure! But not untypical. I could see if he was throwing chairs and hurting other kids, but for just being defiant and argumentative? Solving it will require the teacher to be consistent and to have clear expectations and consequences/rewards in her classroom. You will need to follow up at home with whatever reward/consequence plan you see fit as well as talking to your son about why it is important to listen to his teacher.

Not all teachers and children mesh, and this could just be a bad match between child and teacher I think preschool should be a positive experience for a child because it sets the "tone" for how the child will view school.

Good Luck.

[Milligrace]

:grouphugg
I'm going to offer another book: Liberated Parents/Liberated Children

It isn't easy, as a parent to hear any kind of 'opinion' of their child beit from your spouse, Dr, or their teacher. Stand tall, you know your child best.

[Rudy]

:aww: I don't know that I have any advice on what to actually do. I'm going to make my own post in a minute so you probably wouldn't want my advice anyway ;)

I did want to remind you that the daily grind you are in now will get better as the kids get older. I won't say easier because each stage brings challenges but the way it is now will not last. You won't feel like you are drowning like you do now.

I also wanted to remind you that just because a kid is challenging does not mean you are not a good mom. Some kids are just hard to parent. They have certian personality traits that make us :stress: but the flip side is that some of those very traits make for very successful adults :nod: The best thing I ever did for myself was seperate my feelings about my parenting from the core being of who my children are. It is my job to raise civilized children and one of them is just wired to make that hard :snicker: That does not make me a bad mom...and it doesn't make him a bad kid.

I try and remind myself of that everyday. He is a good kid, he should feel like a good kid, I should think of him as a good kid. He has 'moments'. I get the same latitude. I am a good mom, I should feel like a good mom, and I should think of myself as a good mom. I also have my 'moments'. I want to hold us both to a certain level of expectation and sometimes we both fall short but that doesn't mean we suck :eek: or give up. When I find myself slipping into thinking I suck - my parenting is not as good. When he feels like he sucks (he does't say that but if we are on a negative roll) his behavior is worse as well.

Another thought - My 'easy' son is very easily re-directed and listens well with very little effort. He quits things and moves on. My 'challenging' son would rather walk on hot coals then do something just because he was asked. He gets something in his head and no amount of conjoling or reasoning will change it. He NEVER GIVES UP. This is HARD for a mom. Lets fast forward 25 years and which one is most likely to be successful at their career and which one is likely to set and realize goals? See....I try to remind myself of that when I want to crawl under a rock :lol:

Hang in there! Sorry this got so long and rambly.

[Namsire]

:goodpost: Rudy!! Thanks for that!

[2blessed]

Great advice from the women above!
My girls started JK in Sept and they had just turned 4yrs and had a very difficult time adjusting. They are just now interacting and particiapting.

They too would have times that they would do what was asked and lots of times they refused. It became an issue when the teacher said it was starting to influence the other children and they were starting to say that if the twins didn't have to do, they didn't want to either! She is a seasoned teacher.
BUT all teachers are different and have different approaches. Perhaps the one your son has is not the sort of approach that is beneficial for him. And like it was said before, this is typical behaviour for this age.

We decided that because school was a negative for the girls already, I did not want to use a 'negative' at home as a consequence for what they did not do at school. Instead I used a 'positive'...a reward system they earned by listening and doing their work for 2 days, they got to go to the dollar store and pick out a treat.
As well, the teacher gave them a cat stamp when they did their work, which they absolutely LOVE!

It took awhile, like I said, the end of Jan seemed to be a bit of a turning point. They were even refusing to eat and drink while at school...and these are full days!

You are being a great mom, if you were not, you would not bere worrying that you were doing something wrong...you would not be caring.

Perhaps this is an attention thing as well..being that he has younger siblings...perhaps some one on one attention at times. Perhapse a positive award for listening in school would be a one on one with you out somewhere that he would enjoy...movie, minigolf etc, icecream, etc.

My girls fight and hit and it drives me nuts....I think this is a very difficult age where they have yet to learn sympathy really....sometimes being 'mean' is more powerful than being nice.

Sorry I went on and on!

[meems1965]

I called the teacher and she told me that he has basically been good, that he has his moments, but has been like the other boys. but yesterday was a "bad day." That all day long he was argumentative and defiant. Well I asked if this has been going on and she said no! So this one day and she writes me this note and gets me all upset.

She went on to praise him and said that he would be what a teacher considers to me a model student "when he is good." He is smart, contributes, volunteers, and all the other kids like him and want to be around him.

I was very confused by the note. I talked to this teacher last night for over an hour!! She just tends to be very soft and I think just not a good fit for my son. My daughter is quiet and follows the rules so she is fine. I think this teacher wants it to be peaceful. She said that she can handle the situation but she just wanted me to know.

I told her that she is the teacher and that he needs to follow the rules!

She is a seasoned teacher but I just think her approach is very loving and soft, which my son likes a lot... but then when she tells them to do something and they say NO... i really dont think she knows what to do. She just tells them again. She said she will sit down and reason with them and be so nice to them. I even told her that if it is the rules, a 4 year old does not need to have a reason WHY every time. She does not have to give my son or the other kids an explanation... it is the rules!

I do think he is a typical boy, but he is an active one. He will be defiant w/ me too. He will say NO. He will stall when it is time to go even if he wants to go to the place we are going. I will have to count to three. Sometimes all I can do is YELL to get him to listen to me. I hate that.

I do think he has so many positive qualities. The director of the school told me "you have a born leader on your hands." I think it is hard for this teacher to channel these traits positively. Instead she doesnt know what to do.

I really appreciate your responses. It means to much to hear from other moms who are going thru the same thing. Sometimes I feel very alone with no family around and no one to talk with. People around here think I have it all together. I chose not to talk about these issues with neighbors or friends other than my best friend who doesnt live around here. thank God I have her.

so its really hard some days. It is difficult to not feel like a failure on a lot of days. There are days that they just drive me crazy and I watch the clock for bedtime. I feel awful about that. I hate to think i am wishing away two years just to have a little more peace in this house.. thinking that a 4 year old and two 6 year olds will be easier than now.

anyway, thank you again for the advice and/or just reassurance that this is a normal stage for children/boys of this age. thanks