Question for Moms-to-be who used ART

[Thrilled2BPregnant]

So I just started telling people about my pregnancy and more than half the time I get asked if I used fertility drugs. That question bugs the hell out of me. I'm not ashamed that we did IVF, but why are people so interested? Are my kids going to be tagged as the IVF babies? I'm kind of a private person, and I figure that if you weren't close enough to us for me to tell you about our infertility and the procedures we went through, then you aren't close enough to ask me this question.

On the other hand, maybe I am just overreacting? So how do you respond to the question (I'm assuming I'm not the only one who gets it.) Do you care or does it not bother you? I know I should just get used to it, and hopefully I will.

Someone asked me yesterday and I responded by asking her why did she want to know? Then she fell all over herself apologizing and feeling bad and hoping she didn't offend me and then I felt bad and wished I kept my mouth shut and just answered her in the first place!

[twinmom07]

I think that asking why they want to know is a perfect response to this inappropriate question. Shut her up, didn't it? :snicker:

It depends on my mood how I answer.....if i get a sense of just "nosiness" I just lie to them flat out and say "nope" and move on.....if they are strangers. If I can sense that they too may have an issue with infertility, then I am happy to share any information that I may have.

People should mind their own beeswax.

[firefly]

I get asked all the time as well. I did not have any ART mine are identicals and were a welcomed surprise:love:

I guess most people are just nosy, and a lot are just fascinated by multiple births. I personally agree that if you weren't close enough to someone to share your fertility issues, they should have some tact. But then I guess there are those people that are having probs conceiving and are thinking about other means.I would hope that they would start off by asking if you mind them asking you a question and continue from there.

The other day I was at the gas station and the guy in the booth kept plowing me. Really? No fertility drugs? Natural?! HE must have asked me like 5 times....I later found out that him and his wife were having problems conceiving, but still- I was annoyed by that point.


some people...:stress:

[patftk]

I used clomid and I also find it very intrusive to be asked. A number of people however ask me instead of "did you use fertility drugs" if there are twins in my family....lol... for that one I say " not really so I guess I'm the lucky one". For the fertility drug treatment question my take is that if you are close enough to me you know I was in treatment and if not it's none of their business therefore I just say "no". I'll try the approach of asking the person why they want to know... seems an effective way to "gently" let them know they are being nosy... As pp said I also think people are just fascinated with multiples and often don't realize how rude they are being with their questions...

[teaglach]

I think people ask so much because people know how common it is these days to have twins. It's not so out of the norm anymore due to the meds and treatments. It used to be much more of a rare occurence but it isn't these days and I would bet thats why people are asking.... They are thinking it was treatment of some sort. I'm not saying it's their business.... just that I bet thats what people think.

I got that question very early on but those close to me know this was an unmedicated untreated conception. I like the Tee that says "I've never heard of unnatural twins!"

[twinmommy3907]

It depends on my mood how I answer.....if i get a sense of just "nosiness" I just lie to them flat out and say "nope" and move on.....if they are strangers. If I can sense that they too may have an issue with infertility, then I am happy to share any information that I may have.

Same here. We did clomid/IUI, and I'm not ashamed but I don't think it's everyone's business. My answer to the "Do twins run in your family?" question is "Nope, we're just lucky!"

[Jane]

Just wait until they are born and people want to know if you are breastfeeding or not! :rolleyes: People are unbelievably nosey and rude sometimes.

[Thrilled2BPregnant]

A number of people however ask me instead of "did you use fertility drugs" if there are twins in my family....lol...

Yeah, I get this too, which is just another way of asking the same question, right? The funny thing is that my husband's brother (my BIL and SIL) do have twins (also conceived through ART). So I say, yeah, our niece and nephew are twins and people assume it's hereditary. Most people don't know that fraternal twins won't run through the father's line so that satisfies them.

[Heathers2ndand3rd]

We've used IVF to get pregnant both times. Last time I never got "the question." It was a single. This time around I get it constantly. I'm not that private of a person and don't really care who knows we did IVF, but I can't stand it when people ask. It almost makes me feel like having twins only "counts" if you concieved naturally. No matter how I got pregnant, I'm still having to carry, birth, and raise twins. I haven't really figured out a good response yet to not give an answer either way. I feel like anything I say gives away the answer if I don't just say no. I usually say, "We had a little help." Then leave it at that. I like asking why they want to know, but I was thinking of other ways to put it. Maybe saying, "Why do you ask?" or "What would make you think that?" Maybe that would turn the conversation in another direction. I don't know. It is annoying and rude though. I think people don't even realize it's not something people want to share. I think sometimes people who don't have infertility issues don't realize that there is usually some amount of embarassment that goes along with it, even though there is no need to be embarassed. They don't realize it might be a sensitive subject. I wish people would just be happy for us instead of curious about how it happened.

[MonkeyTamer]

I haven't been asked that question yet! Maybe some people think it but noone has asked. Our little guys were a complete surprise but what difference does it make? If we needed fertility treatments we would have. Who cares how you get your babies? The main thing is that you get to have them.

[Gella]

People are so annoying sometimes, it is unbelievable. I went thru IVF as well. Thanks G-d I don't have to answer questions about fertility drugs, but boy, do I hate when they ask if I have twins in a family. I have this one response for them: " WE defenitelly going to have them now".

[Nikki'sTwins]

I find it so rude. We are joyful to be successful IVFers, but agree it's nobody's business! I haven't found a perfect answer yet because when I tried to be open and honest, I received the follow up "Who's fault was it?" in response!!!! That makes me crazy!
I might try "That's an odd question" next time and just not answer. It's frustrating because the more open we can be about how great IVF and other ART procedures are, the more hope we can give other fertility-challenged couples. I'd love it if eventually there was no stigma attached, and the question was considered so inappropriate it would never be asked.
Usually, I don't learn about other people's similar struggles and successes until I confess our own.
As a funny side note, my M-I-L tells people we have twins on my side of the family. LOL - total fabrication!

[veggietwins]

I went through IVF, but I am not going to tell strangers unless I want to. Usually, I get the "does twins run in your family" question and then when I say "no", they look like they want to ask more but don't. I know some people that have had twins and people ask about them, they volunteer that they were conceived by IVF. I am not going to do that, unless I know that someone is having fertility trouble and then I am all about helping them find hope.

I am also young enough that most people don't automatically classify me in the IVF group (especially those that only think older women go through IVF), but I had to go through it because I had lost three pregnancies and found out that I have a chromosome problem.

I am so thankful for the technology today that can ensure that my children don't pass down bad DNA and go through the painful losses that I have.

[Heathers2ndand3rd]

As a funny side note, my M-I-L tells people we have twins on my side of the family. LOL - total fabrication!

That's funny! My great uncle, on my mom's side, doesn't know it was IVF. Even though almost all my family does. Anyway, he is just thrilled, but wants the credit to go to "his" side of the family. My grandmother (on dad's side) said in front of him that we have twins on her side (although I'v never met them and they were ID.) He couldn't have that (of course, we all know it can't come from our father's side anyway. Ha,ha.). So at the family reunion a few weeks later with like 100 people or more, he went around to everyone asking if they had twins just to prove it came from "his" side!!! He did finally find someone very distantly related who had twins, but she had married in!!! Now he thinks it came from his side. Poor 75yr old guy. If only he knew....:snicker:

[Gella]

hehe, that is too funny.
more, My mom says twins run in her family ( she knows I went thru IVF and she knows that I don't really want a lot of people to know it) but the funny thing is that I do have fraternal twins in my family thru my my mom's mother's first cousin, we just actually just found out couple of days ago.

[chimichanga]

Yeah, we used injects/IUI and were thrilled to find out it was twins. I've only been asked that once, by my SIL and I was kind of angry. I mean how rude a question!!! I expect it more now that we're starting to tell outside the family.

Apparently twins run on my husband's side, so my response is usually "twins run in my DH's family" which is true, even though that's not why we conceived twins. I usually follow it up with "and you know, I'm no spring chicken." followed by a wink.

I just find it so insulting, like they assume my pregnancy isn't a miracle, because if they only knew how much of a miracle it really is.....

[mama of 4]

Early on I was naive, I was asked at least a dozen times if twins ran in my family. And I always said no, --but mine were a surprise and without treatment. So I guess people were just left wondering because no one followed up with any other more intrusive questions and I never realized they were digging for more info, so I never volunteered. Looking back I think it's funny.

[princesp]

Just wanted to add that I have twin girls as a result of IVF and everyone asks, all the time if it was natural or not. Along w/are they identical, how much did they weigh, premature?, NICU?, how many other kids do you have?etc etc etc...In general I think people are just overly curious (nosey:snicker:)but personally I am completely proud of my girls and could care less about what other people think especially how they were conceived. I'm so proud of them that any chance I get to brag about them I take advantage of even if it's how they were conceived.:love:

[grapeapeaf]

I think pregnancy brings out the worst in people. This is my third pregnancy and I am still amazed by the things that people will ask. I was actually asked one time if all of my kids belonged to my husband (which they do) however why is that anyone's business. Or when you are in the grocery store with you hands full and some strange lady starts petting your belly. I am only 10 weeks pregnant with these twins and I have already asked how I came to have twins-as though one chooses or something. I don't think any of that is anyones buisness. I didn't need fertility treatments, but if I had I would have happly looked into it. I think if you are a good parent-who wants to be a parent it doesn't matter how it happened-completely by accident, IVF or adoption or whatever works for your family. Nothing brings out rudness like the sight of a pregnant lady!!!

[momof2plustwins]

I get asked all sorts of questions like that. Usually it starts with a gosh any day now you should have that baby right? Or if they know its twins its the do they run in your family question. In my case yes they run rampant on my mothers side, but I don't feel like going over the entire family tree to appease them. LOL. And I totally agree I absolutely do hate it when some complete stranger comes up and touches my belly, it drives me insane. Like just because you're pregnant it gives them the right to come on up and see if they'll feel a baby kick. Well some days I'd like to kick them myself. :P I don't even like family touching my belly, I don't mind my husband doing it but alot of the others drive me nuts. I just want to look at them and ask if I can do the same to them. :snicker:

[HopeFloats]

We get this all the time... which I actually dont mind as much as I thought I would.

If it's a total stranger, they normally pose the question in the sneaky "Do twins run in your family"... and I explain that identicals are random, and are not based on a genetic predisposition... so that kind of dismisses their question, vs. answering it.

If it is someone we know (even in passing)... or if I am asked outright, I proudly say that we tried for many years to get pregnant and are so thankful that we were able to be successful via IVF. We have done television interviews about the emotional/financial and physical struggle of going through IVF, and have done written pieces for numerous events... so we are definately not in hiding about our little blessings journey into this world. I just dont like that people feel it is their business... but if they push the issue, I have no problem educating them... the media often times does a terrible job at giving an honest interpretation of what IVF entails... and if someone's going to be nosy, I am going to make them realize it.

[Pregomama]

I havent been asked the question yet but i have had some pretty rude comments like "twins? wow how are you gonna do it and its gonna be so hard and i feel so sorry for you. But little do these people know that childern are a blessing no matter how they get here. At first i wasnt sure if it was just me seeing that lately ive been getting a lot more annoyed by people but then i realized that these people dont have the first clue about what its like to be pregnant or be a parent. So ive learned to just blow those people off and hope that one day they may understand. And of course you always have those who are so happy for you and wish you nothing but the best.