When one's invited

[Boobahead]

Was wondering if someone could advise me. I have 4 year old identical twins in the same preschool. Last year they were together...This year they were seperated. Ryan's class has many children familiar to them (from soccer, library) etc. while Marek's class has alot of new faces to him. Well, Ryan was invited to his first birthday party for a classmate. Marek has not been invited. What do i do? Keep Ryan home? Someone said to ask the mother to allow Marek to attend, however, I am not that familiar with the mom. I feel that is rude to say "Ryan has a twin, can he come?"

Advise please dear ladies and gents.

I have gotten advise from parents of singletons...but they really cant understand.

[Jennie331]

that's sad. i think i personally would call and ask, if she seemed like she didnt want that then i would keep them both home and maybe plan something special for that day so the one that was invited isnt too upset about not going. you can tell him he can't go because you have something special planned that day? my guys are only 6 months so not there yet... :)

[DoubleDuty]

That's hard.. they're too young to understand why one was invited and not the other.. I would probably contact the mom and tell her you don't want to come off as rude, you just feel it would be sad for the twin who's not invited to not attend..etc. Once they're older then it may not be as much of a concern.. good luck!!

[Mom of 5]

Boobah,
I would do just what you said: Contact the mom and say, "Ryan has a twin. Can he come?" I don't think it would be rude. The mom (and maybe the kid too) may not realize her child's new friend has a twin. She may even feel that she was remiss for not thinking of it before. Try it! Chances are it will work out for the best.

[Darren&Sarah'sMommy]

While the "singly offered" invite is heartwrenching, and I anticipate having to handle the very same issue in our home anyday now with our 4 year olds, I kind of lean toward letting the invitee go and you doing something "special" with the uninvited twin.

Since the invitor only KNOWS the invitee and NOT (through no fault of theirs) the uninvited twin I lean toward respecting the invitation the way it was sent.

BELIEVE ME, I am dreading the day I need to abide by this message, but that is my plan of action for the inevitable. :(

Sooner or later, we will all have to come to grips with the fact that there are going to be inequitable instances of opportunity for our twosomes...might as well address it now.

This is also one of the cases where I tend to step back and say, "If they WEREN'T twins, but sequential siblings would I react/respond the same way?" In a straight sibling (and in a twin) instance, I'd allow the invited to go have fun with their friend and I'd have some special "one-on-one" time with the other. That seems the fairest way to "equalize" the day in my view.

I wish you luck whatever you decide!!!

[MomOTwins]

My niece has parties all of the time where siblings of her friends come and parents. If I were the mother throwing the party, I would have no problem with it. I, personally, probably would not let my little one go without me being with her; therefore, chances are I would have to take the other with me.... especially if I did not know the parents. Of course, I am probably way overboard as far as protective. They are only 3 now, but I don't think my feelings on it will change by the time they are four. .

[Darren&Sarah'sMommy]

MomOTwins! Thank you for bringing up a good point...
I would NEVER send a child to a party without a parent.
My thinking (that I did not describe well!) was Daddy would go to party and I would stay with the uninvited...or vice versa.

The mom probably would NOT mind inviting the sibling at all....and I certainly think that asking isn't a unforgivable etiquette faux pas by any means...

But personally, I do think I'd let it be an instance to reinforce their individual friendships....I definitely would not go the "keep Ryan home" option.

Does Marek actually know the party child, or is he solely Ryan's friend? That might make a difference...

A very, very sensitive situation...and I am so sorry you are having to confront it Boobahead! :(

[jasd]

:o That's too young for the twins to understand. Iwould have no problem calling the mom and mentioning my concern. I know if someone called me I would be more than happy to accomodate the twins.
We had a 'sleepover' problem that went on for a bit and I wasn't sure how to handle it - one mom just couldn't handle our twins both sleeping over and there were hurt feelings involved occasionally. Finally the twins themselves decided they would take matters into their own hands and when one was invited he would accept or remind the mutual friend that he was invited last time and this time it was his twin's turn to sleep over. I was glad to stay out of it.

[beautifulgirls]

You should call the mom.She probably doesn't know that you have a twins.I don't see the problem.Because you don't know the "mom" that would be a great reason to find out more about her if you're going to leave your kids w/o you or your dh.

[tiredmommy]

I would definitely call and ask if you can bring his twin. She honestly probably didnt know. I had a parent call me about my dd birthday party. She had said she didnt have a baby sitter and could she bring her older son (only a year or so older). She even said she would pay for him if there was any extra charge (since we were having it at a gymnstics place). It didnt bother me at all, and we always have someone who doesnt show.

[j&bmom]

I have 9 year old twin boy and I have called and asked if the other twin come. Don't feel bad it will be okay most likely the other mother didn't know that your son has a twin

[EJSJ]

Hi, I have 4 year olds too and expect this to eventually start happening with them. For now, I still feel they are too young to go without a parent attending. Does Marek know the child who is having the party? If he does, then I would ask if he can come too, since he might feel bad that the child only invited Ryan. If Marek does not know the child, then you can explain that only children in Ryan's class were invited and let Marek do something fun with either you or DH while Ryan goes to the party. For my children, I think they would be OK with that explanation and plan.

For me, it would depend how I felt about the child/family having the party and whether I actually felt like making it work out. We decline a LOT of party invitations because we have other plans that day, or the timing of the party isn't good, or various other reasons. You always have the option of just saying "sorry we won't be able to come."

[DBG]

I'm going to disagree with the majority here.

I personally am not a fan of the concept of calling parents and asking to bring an additional child. Some may not mind, but sometimes people want to keep the party small, or just want to have classmates or whatever. I just feel like it's a little rude to invite yourself, or your child..

But I also feel like it reinforces the notion that the twins must always be together and do things together. And I don't think that's necessarily so. I think separate birthday parties are the perfect opportunity to start teaching them that things will not always be equal, that sometimes they will be doing things separately, etc. If they're in separate classes, chances are the other twin will be invited to some parties alone at some point too, so why not just tell him that.

I would just try to do something a little special with the other twin while one is at the party. Don't we all feel like we never get enough one on one time with our twins individually? This is the perfect opportunity for them to have separate experiences. Most b-day parties are only a few hours anyway. They might just enjoy the time apart.

Just my opinion...

[itsaboyshouse]

While I understand that it's impossible for a 4-year-old to grasp why he wasn't invited, I have to agree with DBG, the last post.

If you call and ask the mom to also allow the co-twin to go, you set into motion something that's VERY hard to change--the mom will think that, oh, this mom wants her twins to be together. Let me give you an example. There's a set of MZ twins in the kinder class at my school. A mom of a singleton asked my advice--her son wanted to have a playdate with just ONE of the twins, the one he gets along with at school. But the mom of the twins said she didn't feel comfortable with that arrangement. The result? The relationship between one of the twins and the singleton was cut off. An opportunity to make a new friend was lost. The mom of the singleton was turned off and never asked again.

Also, the twins get it in their heads, too. "If he goes to a party, I go to the party." Life doesn't work that way. It's important to explain (once again I know it's hard with a 4-year-old) that sometimes each will have separate experiences, and that's ok. In fact, it's good. It's fun and exciting.

Actually, I find it annoying when people invite both my twins when one is clearly the friend and the other isn't. I know the family is just trying to be kind, but it reinforces "unit" thinking, which is not healthy for twins.

Remember little twins grow up to be adult twins.

[EJSJ]

I totally agree with those of you who said that our twins need to learn to go to events separately. However, sometimes it is enormously difficult on us adults to make the logistics work. For example, I worry more about leaving one of my children alone without a parent at the party than I do about leaving one without his/her twin. Especially my son who can get a little rowdy and needs to be told to behave. But to split them up and send one parent to the party then ties up both parents and sometimes that is just not feasable. So I think the advice a lot of us gave about bringing them both has more to do with their age and immaturity than an objection to splitting them up for activities. It seems to be mostly moms with older twins who advise splitting them up, and I'm sure I will be doing that too.

It's an interesting topic and comes up a lot. For us, it is very hard to do individual playdates during the week for the same reason. I don't feel comfortable dropping off one of my children and then not staying. But then I have to bring the other one too, there is no one else available to watch that one. In another 6 mos or 1 year they will be ready to be dropped off without a parent staying, and that will change things a lot.

[itsaboyshouse]

Please believe me when I say that I understand the logistics, immaturity of splitting 4-year-old, but I do speak from experience that people won't change and once you set in the "pair/unit" idea, they'll have a hard time changing. I deal with it all the time with my twins, and as they grow (they're in 4th grade) they are beginning to resent it. They WANT to be viewed as a single, but often people working on past experiences, continue to treat them as the "twins." It's frustrating. I guess I was just stressing the importance of starting them young so everyone, including the twins, sees them as individuals.

[EJSJ]

Itsaboyhouse:
I hear you. As time goes on we will make more of an effort to encourage individual activities w/friends. I see what you mean about setting a precedent.

My twins are boy/girl, which I think will make it easier for us. Already my daughter is asking to play with just girls sometimes.

BTW, I LOVE hearing from moms of school age kids. It's the next new experience on the horizon!

[serant4]

It's an interesting topic and comes up a lot. For us, it is very hard to do individual playdates during the week for the same reason. I don't feel comfortable dropping off one of my children and then not staying. But then I have to bring the other one too, there is no one else available to watch that one. In another 6 mos or 1 year they will be ready to be dropped off without a parent staying, and that will change things a lot.

I am having the same problem regarding individual playdates for my 4 yr old boy/girl twins. My son likes to play with this particular boy in school, but this boy is not as close with my daughter. However, I was lucky since the boy's parents don't mind having my twins when we go to their house. I'm not sure how long this will last though.

I don't think it would hurt to ask the other parents if the other twin can come along, too, especially when only one parent is available.

[melissa1]

This is the reason I joined this message board. My son has a little fellow in the neighborhood that he plays with, but his twin (5 yrs) sister will try to dominate their play and wants them to do things that she likes to do (dolls, etc.) when they want to play hot wheels or throw the ball outside. Then, she's angry and inconsolable when I try to interest her in playing with me.:confused:

[Carolyn1876]

I agree with DBG & itsaboyshouse. Our boys are now 8 & have been invited seperately to parties since they were 5. Neither got upset because we've explained to them that they won't always get to do everything together.

We had a party for the Jared & Gabriel last year. I had one parent apologize profusely for not sending two gifts along when she found out the party was for twins. It didn't bother the boys that Jared got more gifts. Gabriel understood that since Jared had more friends show up, he would probably get more gifts.

On a side note about gifts/parties: We've even convinced family & friends to stop buying them "matching gifts". Every one was so afraid that one might get something the other would want more they lost track of the fact that these boys are completely different. Jared loves to cook & Gabriel loves sports. It'd be presumptuous to think Gabriel should receive an apron because Jared did, or that Jared should get a football because Gabriel did. (They each would have balked at those examples!) They're happier knowing people know them for who they are not that they are twins.

Carolyn
SAHM of Jared, Gabriel & Seth

[donahuejg]

My 3 year old twin girls recently started preschool and are in separate classes. One of my twins has been invited to several b'day parties and the other twin has not. I decided not to call the parent to ask if I could bring the other twin. We explained to the twins that each one would have parties w/ friends in their own class. I planned something special for the other twin who did not go to the party and she was fine.

I think it is good to start teaching them that it is OK for them to have separate friends and do separate activities.

J Donahue
Camryn & Mallory

[Newyearsmom]

I know this thread is old but I am happy it was bumped up. It is certainly going to come up for me (and I do cringe at the thought). I do agree with the importance of each child having unique experiences. I guess what would bother me would be if one twin was clearly being invited to more parties than the other. I would hate for the same twin to be "left out" :(

The logistics of having one at the party when the other wasn't invited (assuming they are too little to stay alone...as in the OP) is another matter. I think I would say when I was RSVPing for instance "Katie would love to come to the party but I don't have help that day and I will have Katie's twin Sarah with me...would that be ok? I'd be happy to pay her admission" (especially if I think the person just doesn't realize that there is a twin) If the parent at that point says "no"...I would say I would try to get a sitter or grandparent to help...