Shower Etiquette Question

[purplefrog]

Hi everyone,
We moved to Texas a little over a year ago. I don't have any really close friends here. Girls I work with, some of my husband's co-workers wives, and I joined Jr. League so I know some women through that "casually".

We are expecting the twins (due date April 5th).

We could really use a shower ....we have nothing so far and need two of everything!

My question is this...is it tacky to "ask" someone to throw us a shower? I fear it is. A few people have mentioned it in passing ...but noone has seriously said "when would you like one?" A lot of folks back home would send gifts, if we sent an invitation (even though they are out of state)...I would like to register on line.

I am not typically like this...didn't do a registry for my wedding and didn't have a shower. Had a shower for baby #1, 16 years ago, but not for baby #2. It has been 14 years since I've had a baby!

Anyway...any feedback is appreciated! Thanks
Lisa

[Laurie13]

That is a hard question. Maybe you could have your husband mention the idea to a friend? I don't know that I would feel comfortable asking someone to have a shower. I really hope someone will step up and offer for you. Good luck! Could you go back home and have a family shower?

[2NewBoys]

You might could just mention (in a group setting with those women around) that you are stressing out because you need so many things for the babies. You could just put it to them as though you are just venting because it is TWO babies, and maybe someone will have the brilliant idea to give you a shower. Where are you in Texas...maybe I could give you a shower! :) I hope someone steps up to the plate though because I know what a blessing it was for me to have all the gifts I got. Good luck....let us know how it turns out.

[shalexsis]

Maybe have your husband throw a couples shower. Tell him to tell them it is a surprise party for you that will also take the place of a shower. Behind the scenes you can help him out!

[froggy]

yea where are you in Texas? maybe we could drop some hints.

OR - when I had my first I had several friends who mentioned it but weren't really take charge kind of people so here's what we did. My mother and aunt called a friend and said hey what do you think about a shower? Let's plan one.

Maybe your family could call someone and say they want to have one but need local help planning it?

[Laurie13]

Do you have a sister or cousin or even a good friend who could come to Texas and have a shower for you?

[Twins2003]

Have your 16 & 14 yr old throw the shower. Register with BRU or Wal-mart, Target, where ever you want that has online access. Your older kids can send out the invitations with them being the host/hostess. That's not tacky AT ALL! My 14yr old daughter was very involved in my shower. Granted you may have to foot the bill, but that's much less expensive than buying 2 of everything.

[MichMom]

Sounds like you've gotten some good ideas from the other posts. I would like to add that at minimum, you should register (BRU, Target, ...) I had a small shower with just my family, but people from work still took the initiative to look at our registries and got us gifts from them.

Good luck.

[Liz in SC]

From an etiquette perspective, you are stuck unless a non-relative volunteers to give you a shower. According to Miss Manners, showers as such are not properly given by the showeree's (?) own relatives (either by blood or marriage) and you are not even supposed to hint around too much to your friends about your desire to have one. Here are some quotes:

Dear Miss Manners:
My Daughter-in-law is expecting her first child. I have a shower planned for her, because her only sister, her mother and her best friend live in California. My son is an only child so I am not able to put a daughter's name on the invitations as many of my releatives and friends have done in the past for showers both bridal and baby. Will it be in bad taste is I put my name on the invitations? My husband feels we should do this if that's what we'd like to do. I feel a bit uncertain.

Gentle Reader:
Showers are tricky, and a lot of people get caught up in them. The word "shower" is used here as in "to shower with presents," making this the only form of grown-up entertainment at which a present is mandatory. Therefore, such an event is not properly given by any member of the guest of honor's immediate family - daughter, sister, mother, or mother-in-law. However, since your relatives and friends have been making mistakes about this right and left, Miss Manners suggests you do not worry about it and go ahead and give your party. If you want to be perfectly correct, call it a tea, not a shower, thus establishing that you wish to bring joy but not bounty to the family.

Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 1979. p.22

Here's another take on the same question:

MISS MANNERS
My husband and I are expecting our first child, and cousins from both our families are asking me if there will be a baby shower. So far, no one has offered to host one. (Both of our mothers are deceased.) What is the proper response?

GENTLE READER
"Why, no" (said pleasantly), "I don't believe there will be."

Miss Manners won't allow you to say, "No, so why don't you give one?" and anyway, relatives should not give showers for one another. There is nothing to prevent them from giving a little party within the family, but plenty wrong with your helping them think of doing so.


However, there is nothing wrong with registering even without a shower, so long as you only tell people about in response to a question about what you might want for your twins.

If you had good friends in your previous location, the subject might come up when you call them about your happy news. If they schedule it early enough, you could travel back there!

Good luck!

Good luck

[2NewBoys]

I don't necessarily agree with Miss Manners. I think it is fine for family members to throw a shower for you. I had a perfectly wonderful shower thrown by family where family and friends were invited and we had a great time. No one thought it was tacky. I also think things are a little more laid back than they were in 1979 in that department. I wouldn't worry so much about proper etiquette, just do what you feel is right without stepping on any toes! It is easy to get overwhelmed.....just take a deep breath. I think the husband planning a party sounds like fun, or even your children if there is no one else. Whatever you do, have a great time with it!

[twnsmm]

I think Denise had a great idea about your daughters throwing the party. That would be awesome and I'm sure they would appreciate being able to do something this important for you. Everyone will, "aww, those are the sweetest girls she has there", LOL. I had 3 showers, my mom threw 2 (in two different states) and my stepmom threw the other. It may not be "proper" but it's what's done around here. People aren't stupid, they KNOW you need stuff (kind of the point of the shower) so someone's gonna throw the party, why not family members. It's an honor to be able to throw a shower, why take it away from family members. I just don't get that. And the people you are friends with there know you don't have family there, they know you need a shower, maybe they might feel like they are being too forward by volunteering to throw you one. Have your girls do it, awesome idea!! Good Luck, sweetie!!

[purplefrog]

Thanks everyone for all your suggestions!

I think the one about having my mom call and ask my friend if she is planning on doing a shower, perhaps they could do one together or something might be a good approach if noone approaches me first.

I am giving a shower next weekend for a "casual" friend. She is due to be induced on November 4th. Noone had given her one, so I called her and said I would like to give her one if she would like, and she said that would be great! I asked her to give me a list of friends she would like to ask. I had 10 from a group we belong to. I wanted additional. So she tells me ...sure, here is a list, I kept it small just "close" friends...turns out it was 18 additional people!! EEK! I don't even know 18 people! I wonder what happened to these "18 close friends" when it came time to throw a shower?? I think it is a lot of fun, and am excited to give her a shower. I just don't understand sometimes how people can just "not get involved". I am sure everyone wants someone to give a shower when they are pregnant, but seems like so few are willing to give one.

Anyway, perhaps someone will "rise for the occasion" if not...well. I do not want to step on anyone's toes! It is not my style.

I do think miss manners advise was interesting though. People have sure thrown that out of the window. Most showers I go to are thrown by a family member. I can see where she is coming from though...but people are right, today's rules have changed!

I just got a wedding invitation to Hawaii...a coworker of my husbands (casual). They had a "Honeymoon registry wish list" - so they invited people to a wedding in Hawaii from TX - and then wanted people to pay for honeymoon items on-line as wedding gifts...geezsh.... I gotta think, "what is wrong with people"? To me THAT is tacky! We got married on a cruise ship, with a few friends, sent out announcements afterwards with a photo, so people would know we were married. No registry, no "after party". We could have used the gifts sure, but we chose a more private, less costly affair.

Anyway, thanks again for all your advice. Good luck to everyone with your twins and twin pregnancies!

[Momma to 3 Wonderful Boys]

Lisa, that's nice that you are giving a shower for your friend. I hope someone does the same for you! Speaking of tacky showers, several years ago, I received an invitation to a co-workers baby shower. The invitation stated "You have been selected to give Four piece crib bedding set in Classic Pooh and a little picture of the design was included. I talked to several people and everyone got something similar and each gift we were "selected" to purchase was quite expensive. None of us that worked with her went or got a gift, so, instead of just being happy she gets anything and someone cares, she got nothing. How tacky is that? I mean register, sure, but don't tell someone what gift they are supposed to bring!

I think it would be great too if your girls had one for you. I'm sure they would love it!

[Truffles]

Drop a few subtle hints but I wouldn't go so far as Miss Manners. Etiquette changes with the times and those times were in 1979.

When I hosted a shower for a friend, I sent out the invitations with a nicely-written note attached stating I have a "gift list" and if they wanted to make use of it to contact me. So the option was there but no obligation to use the list. It worked out very well. My friend and I made sure to include a wide price range of gifts on the list so no one felt obligated to purchase the "big-ticket" items.

[Laurie13]

Wow! Some of those things people try are nuts.

We had someone we know get married and the reception card asked the beef, chicken or fish entree question and then gave the price for each which you were to pay with the rsvp card!! And a cash bar on top of that! We had no regrets about regretting that one!

I think Miss Manners has the right idea but does go overboard sometimes. Good luck with your shower for your friend purplefrog and hope someone will throw a nice one for you too!!