codependent

[Cheykota116]

me and dh have been attending marriage counseling for about a month now well today went horrible. Dh is constantly working and since he works nites and is a truck driver he sleeps all day so when he is up he is spending time with the babies of course then gets ready for work. He works mon-fri. I am waiting to see if I am going to go back to work since I have a lifting restriction, if I do I will be working Sat nites 7p-7a so we dont have to pay a babysitter or daycare. Now that football is starting dh is wanting to watch football all day on sundays the only day we will have to spend together. We got into a big argument about it in the counseling appt today where the counselor was telling me that if we dont each get our own time to do something for ourselves like watch football or do the rummage saling we would get into a codependent relationship and loose ourselves and the counselor (he) was acting like I am being codependent and that I cant accept the fact that dh has to have some time for himself. I dont care if he does that but when am I going to spend any time with dh and as a family. I already am so lonely seems like since I was on bedrest all my friends fell off the face of the earth. the counselor also asked us both about compromising as do I need every sunday to do something and I said not necissarly then he asked dh if he can has to watch football live every sunday or if he can dvr it sometimes and dh said he would really want to watch it live. Dh was also saying he always had this dream that he and his kids would sit on sundays eating popcorn and watching football nothing said about me (I cant stand sports) I said where do I fit in and he said that u dont want to spend time with him, how does he figure that, I started balling. Then the counselor finally stuck up for me here and said I wouldnt be crying if I didnt want to spend time with him. I dont know what to do, should I just give into him and forget about the arguing and keep being lonely, I have told him several times how I feel. It seems like he could have the best of both worlds by dvr'ing it and spend family time, come home watch the game and do whatever he wants but he doesnt see it that way. Am I being irrational

[Fran27]

I totally see your point... I would seriously be **ssed off too. Some time for yourself is nice, but all Sunday every week is way over the top. I'd be quite mad at my counselor there.

Honestly though... I'd ask yourself if working one day a week is worth losing the only time you could have with your dh. I wanted to work on week ends, but we realized that $300 a month wasn't worth losing family time for (I wouldn't be paid much though).

So maybe you could spend Saturday together and let him watch his sport on Sunday... just tell him that he'll have to cut down on other stuff to make up for the loss of your salary, and see if he's ok with that.

Good luck... It's never easy.

[GabMag77]

Wow! I must be co-dependant because I NEVER get time for myself. I was playing Softball for a couple of Fridays but that got too hard because of my DH's work schedule. Friday is still MY day though. It's my day to do whatever I want. Once DH gets home from work I can either go out or make him stay home and watch TV or have some drinks with me.

All my friends fell off the face of the earth too! I guess they weren't really friends.

I totoally feel you with the lonely thing! Do you have anyone that can babysit for you guys like family that won't charge too much? Maybe you can schedule date time once a week or everyother week where you guys can get out of the house together and feel like lovers. Even if you just take a walk, go to the park, or see a dollar show movie, or get some coffee and talk.


Good luck! I feel like we have a lot in common.

[Cheykota116]

I do want to say that he does get his own time. I go to bed about 1-130 am and he stays up til 5 or 6 am cause he works nites and he cant go to bed early or he wont either one. So are we not supposed to take the babies to see santa and do things because football is on, that isnt fair to the babies either. by time football is off it is time to feed babies and ourselves by time we are done with that it will be 730-8 if not a little later. Sundays is the only time we will have to get together. I did not get married to be alone 24/7. I cant attend any mom groups since I dont have a babysitter and they are during the week, and I dont have any friends any more, they never call and when I call them they are always in a hurry. I dont even have any brothers or sisters to call since I am an only child

[arabella5c]

ya know, i don't think either of you are being irrational. i like what dr. phil always says, "relationship are all about negotiation". I think that it takes a lot of negotiation and planning to make a marriage work and with twins in the picture it just makes it all the more importnant.

my dh and i have had to work on this too. for us, it comes down to seriuos planning to get in all of the things that we each want to do. we have an established routine and the days we get off the routine even for a couple of hours end up being a nightmare. our routine is what makes survival possible.

i get some "me" time in the morning. i wake up at 6am, work out, and get a shower. i wake up the babies, if they're not already up at 7am, dh feeds our three year old while i feed the babies. dh empties the dishwasher. then we start the daily routine while dh is at work.

on weekends, dh likes to have his time to go for a bike ride and mow the grass, get the car washed, etc. i like to have time to go shopping. then we do one family event like the zoo or a playland or something.

it doesn't work like that every week...some weeks like i said we get off schedule and it all comes crashing down....but the weeks it works, it's great! that said, it took a lot of talking for us to get this far. for some reason schedules are hard for a lot of guys, i think.

[Fran27]

I think dh's have a harder time letting go of their me time... Mine doesn't really help with the babies much during the week (except night feedings, and man does he rub that one in), and on week ends I have to pester him to get off the computer :shrug: I wanted to go out with the babies last week end but gave up because when they were finally fed and changed, dh still had to take his shower (which he had the whole morning to do, mind you).

I think it's tough on every couple. I was talking about it to my ex two weeks ago, and he told me he was fighting with his girlfriend all the time because they both wanted some free time but someone had to take care of the baby... and obviously, with twins, it's worse.

[Lissy]

I totally feel for you. My dh works a lot too, and I too am very lonley. A lot of my friends have fallen off the face of the earth as well. I have on friend that I talk to about once a week, but she's the type that when you vent, she counters it by telling you how much tougher she has it!

I don't think you are being irrational at all. he should be willing to compromise with you, he should want to make a compromise so everyone is happy. What is he gonna do when the twins are 2 or 3 and are jumping all over him, begging him to play, when football is on? Trust me, they aren't going to sit there and watch a game of football with him until they are teenagers, and he'll be lucky if they even do it then!

[mmst8788]

I dont have much advice, but I wanted to let you know I really do feel that you are enititled to your emotions. When you can spend anytime with your spouse it does get lonely and he should listen to your feelings and compromise. Especially since you are willing to compromise too.

[Cheykota116]

We got into a big fight me asking where i fit in and how come he always makes time for football and playstation madden. well he wouldnt answer me so i broke his madden game now he wont even speak to me. I dont know why that stuff is so much more important than me.

[Lissy]

I'm so sorry you are going trough this right now. I really hope you can work something out.

[natalieh]

Sometimes, with men, we have to make the first efforts. Perhaps you could "give" him a few Sundays in which you guys watch the football game together--make popcorn, nachos, all that good stuff. After a few Sundays, approach him with "giving" you a Sunday in which you guys do what you want to do. It's a heart thing too. When you watch the few games with him, be sure to be whole-hearted about it. When it comes time to suggest what you would like to do on your Sunday, it would be very hard for him to say no after you have been so giving.

[annalee]

Sometimes, with men, we have to make the first efforts. Perhaps you could "give" him a few Sundays in which you guys watch the football game together--make popcorn, nachos, all that good stuff. After a few Sundays, approach him with "giving" you a Sunday in which you guys do what you want to do. It's a heart thing too. When you watch the few games with him, be sure to be whole-hearted about it. When it comes time to suggest what you would like to do on your Sunday, it would be very hard for him to say no after you have been so giving.

I agree with natalie. My dh LOVES football> I realized that it was going to be part of our lives, no matter what. Sooo.. I started going to the pizza place on Sundays, becoming part of the football pool, it is much more fun to watch then! I actually like footbal now that we have made it a family thing, I even am part of a fantasy football league I don't have a clue what is going on but whatever! The kids may have fun if you get them out on Sundays, to a place that has a bunch of TV's, make it a family day. It sounds like you guys would all benefit from getting out of the house together. I have found that you get a lot when you "pay it forward". It is very difficult, but you Will see the benefits when you take the "suck it up road", make some sacrifices and stick with it, no matter what the issue. You may find that you are getting what you need without asking after a while!

I see you are in MI, Are you any where near Sault St. Marie? We will be there next month for a couple weeks, and could get together with our babes, if you are near?

[Cheykota116]

No I am not near there. I am probably about 4 hours away if not a little farther. It is a nice place though Have fun.